I am the queen of the harsh start up.  I let something bother me and bother me and never really address it.  And then one day, it happens again and I explode. I swear I can physically feel all the unaddressed resentment build and build until I just can’t control it and out it comes with the force of a weapon of mass destruction.

I don’t like this about myself and have attempted to deal with the bothersome issues before the build up, but I am still working on it.  As I write this, I can see the faces of my husband and kids as I explode out of what seems like thin air. They never see it coming.

Marriage expert, John Gottman states that women are more likely than men to practice the Harsh start-up.   He wrote, “ Harsh start-up is often a reaction that sets in when a wife feels her husband doesn’t respond to her low-level complaints or irritability.  So if you (the husband) comply with a minor request like “It’s your turn to take out the garbage, please,” You avoid having the situation escalate into “What the hell is wrong with you?  Are you deaf? Take out the garbage!”

He also said that harsh start-ups can be a result of someone not feeling known, respected, and loved. When I read that I felt like he was preaching to the choir.  I totally know that those moments when I explode I am feeling very under appreciated.

That is just an excuse.  Gottman again, “ If you go straight for the jugular, you're going to draw plenty of blood.  The result will be war or retreat on your partner's part rather than any meaningful, productive discussion.”

My intention is never to draw blood.  I am not at a point where I would want to hurt Joe, in the end I am just being reactionary.  

I appreciated a lot of Gottman’s advice on how to soften the start-up, but for me the best advice is to just take a minute and self soothe.  Or as I would say, send myself to time out until I can say something nice. It was also a good reminder to me that when I am sitting in time out, I should not be ruminating on why I am mad in the first place.  

When I am at my best, I ask myself the simple question, “Will this matter in a thousand years?” This reminds me that most of the problems that I get so worked up about really don’t matter at all the whole scheme of eternity.  And that is because houses in the Celestial Kingdom are self cleaning, right?