If someone were to ask me, I would say that I have  a happy marriage. Joe and I are kind to each other and really have a solid friendship. However as I read through the materials for my class, I realized that there are some lurking problems.

I wondered if those problems really mattered.   We think of ourselves as happy. Would it make a difference if I am the queen of harsh start ups?  Or if Joe tends to give loads of unwanted critiques and advice?

But I guess cancer will kill you even if you don’t know you have it and you feel fine.  So in the same way bad habits and poor skills can cause problems in a marriage.  

I learned so many great things from the reading materials but the concept that really stuck with me was  that all I can change is me and that I have a lot more to do with the problems in my marriage than I want to believe.  

Gottman  stated that, “a source of criticism comes from within.  It is connected to self-doubt that has developed over the course of one’s life, particularly during childhood.  In other words, it begins as criticism of oneself.”  

I know that I am most unhappy in my marriage when I am most unhappy with myself.  I become obsessed with all the things that I am doing wrong and how imperfect and lacking my efforts seem to be.  And in those moments, I seem to notice the imperfections of Joe as well. And I feel a real need to share those with him.  Over and over again.  

Marvin J Ashton said, “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet.  Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down.”

Sometimes, the hardest person to show charity to is ourselves. Perhaps if I show that charity not only to Joe but also to myself we can ward off any impending Martial cancer.