He's My Favorite... Most of the Time

If someone were to ask me, I would say that I have  a happy marriage. Joe and I are kind to each other and really have a solid friendship. However as I read through the materials for my class, I realized that there are some lurking problems. I wondered if those problems really mattered.   We think of ourselves as happy. Would it make a difference if I am the queen of harsh start ups?  Or if Joe tends to give loads of unwanted critiques and advice? But I guess cancer will kill you even if you don’t know you have it and you feel fine.  So in the same way bad habits and poor skills can cause problems in a marriage.   I learned so many great things from the reading materials but the concept that really stuck with me was  that all I can change is me and that I have a lot more to do with the problems in my marriage than I want to believe.   Gottman  stated that, “a source of criticism comes from within.  It is connec...

I am the queen of the harsh start up.  I let something bother me and bother me and never really address it.  And then one day, it happens again and I explode. I swear I can physically feel all the unaddressed resentment build and build until I just can’t control it and out it comes with the force of a weapon of mass destruction. I don’t like this about myself and have attempted to deal with the bothersome issues before the build up, but I am still working on it.  As I write this, I can see the faces of my husband and kids as I explode out of what seems like thin air. They never see it coming. Marriage expert, John Gottman states that women are more likely than men to practice the Harsh start-up.   He wrote, “ Harsh start-up is often a reaction that sets in when a wife feels her husband doesn’t respond to her low-level complaints or irritability.  So if you (the husband) comply with a minor request like “It’s your turn to take out the garbage, ple...

“Think of what pride has cost us in the past and what it is now costing us in our own lives, our families, and the Church.”  This quote by Ezra Taft Benson left me pondering what pride has cost me personally. I am sure that everyone has a different answer to this but for me the answer I arrived at was that is cost me connection. I have been prideful when I did not want to apologize first after a spat with my husband.  I knew that as soon as one of us apologized there would be forgiveness, hugs, words of affection, and the gap between us would be bridged.  Or in other words we would again have connection. But instead I decided to wait and not have to be the first one to apologize. I have been prideful when someone brought up a point that I did not agree with and I argued the opposite side, without really listening to what they were trying to say.  As I argued my point as persuasively as possible, I could feel the gap between me and the person growing, I c...

Dr. Gottman writes about the need to turn towards our spouses in order to have successful marriages.  All week I have been thinking about the concept turning towards your spouse. In my head I have this picture of physically turning towards Joe by first  pivoting my head followed by the rest of body until I am facing him. What I have come to realize as I see this in my mind is that turning towards Joe requires that I turn away from something else. Some of these “something elses” are easy to identify and there is no doubt that I should turn away from them. The need to be right in an argument Social Media scrolling The selfish desire to do what I want instead of what anyone else would want The mindless show on TV that only I like Then there are the “something elses” that maybe I should turn away from at that moment My carefully planned schedule The ever present need to do laundry Even my kids For a lot of these things timing is everything, ...

A map can do a lot of things.  It can lead you to where you want to go but it can also give you a better understanding of where you are right now in this very moment.  In his research, marriage expert Dr. Gottman introduces the concept of love maps. He emphasizes the need to establish and continue to update love maps.  My understanding of a love map is an interest in and knowledge of your spouse and their life and interest. T A few years ago, Joe and I took a marriage class that was offered after church.  I am sure that everyone thought we were having problems, because I was the first to sign up.  We weren’t, but I look for and appreciate any help to make my marriage better and stronger.  The teacher of the class was a marriage and family therapist and went over many of the Gottman principles, including love maps.  He had given us a copy of questions to help us build and maintain our love maps. Each day Joe and I would answer one of the que...